A Resolution, 5.5 Months Late

Funny how you can easily forget the things that set you off running in the first place. And then, in one enormous moment, it all comes flying back to you and you remember just what you had as your start. I must say that I know this well, almost too well, after everything that's happened today.

Now, let me give you some background - I'm writing approximately 28,000 words a week. That's over half of a NaNoWriMo novel, and that's in a singular week. This is all because I'm writing new chapters plus 750 Words plus Penzu entries plus other novels that haven't been posted yet...I'm writing a ton. I average about 4,000 words a day with this.

Let me tell you - I've figured out the approximate speed of my writing. I can write about 750 words in 15 minutes if I'm focused. We can do just a bit of math to figure out that it takes me five minutes to write 250 words, or one minute to write fifty words. If we apply this to the 4,000 words, then we can figure it out fairly simply. It would total up to be about eighty minutes, if I just wrote straight on.

Now, eighty minutes doesn't seem like too long of a time. It's approximately how long an episode of Sherlock is, after all. I could just switch on some Cumberbatch and Freeman and write away...right? Well, no. I get distracted far too easily for all of that. It ends up taking me hours to finish my writing.

I spend all of my free time (when I'm not getting distracted) working on writing. I literally only have one core class this semester, which means very little homework, and I'm still finding myself so busy because of all of this writing I feel like I have to do!

The thing is, I think I'm obsessed with writing.

I'm so obsessed with making novels that I've nearly forgotten where it all began.

Novels. I read novels. I am a reader. Or, at least, I was a reader. Once I got into high school and got into the groove of weekly updates on Wattpad, my reading has decreased dramatically. Surely some of you must know how bad I am at reading your stories - and you're not the only ones. I mean, the author of Nature and Nurture (Sherlock fanfiction featuring a clone baby - it's excellent and probably one of my favorite fanfics out there) only updates about once or twice a month, and I'm still behind.

I've lamented over the fact that I've seemed to have lost touch with reading, but I never seemed to act on it. Frankly, I just felt too anxious that I'd get behind on my writing and that everything would end up falling apart. I still feel that way at this very moment.

But just a few days ago, I was cleaning my room. Part of that requires me to clean up my books, of course. As I was shuffling them around, I realized just how badly I wanted to read those stories once again - and also read those I hadn't experienced yet. I've been reading here and there on my Kindle, but it wasn't until that moment that I just wanted to sit down and read.

Then I ended up forgetting about it...that is, until today.

I picked up a book called Every Day by David Levithan. The premise had sounded interesting when I bought it in the bookstore months ago. It had been stuck in my room, waiting to be read, but it wasn't until I was assigned an independent reading project in English that I found my opportunity to do so.

Then today, during lunch, I decided to get ahead on the reading for the project, if only by a little bit. Within those twenty minutes, I had ended up going about forty pages. It's not too much, but it was still significantly past how much I had to read today.

When it came to English class, we ended up down in the library for the last few minutes of class. I ended up passing one hundred pages. I was still thirsty for more. And I couldn't possibly surpress that...or could I?

So I thought about for a few minutes. Then I realized that I just needed to get back into reading. Every Day will have to wait for school nights for me to read it, but I'm sure I'll just end up tearing straight through it.

I decided that, at least for today, I was going to push writing aside. It was no longer my main priority. I plan to read today. I plan to read, at least a little, every single day. And if I can, I want to be able to read through a book a week for the rest of this year...or possibly the rest of my life.

That's my resolution, even if it is five and a half months after New Year's.

- Rain

1.38

I feel enlightened.

I don't know what's been happening as of late, but as a whole I feel a whole lot better about myself as a person in general. I've felt so much happier, and it's almost insane.

I guess it all sort of started with a number.

1.38.

Doesn't look like much, does it?

Well, I might as well just come clean.

I'm a 1.38 on the Kinsey Scale.

Yes, indeed, I am not exclusively heterosexual. I just mostly find myself attracted to males. But sometimes...sometimes I find myself attracted to females. Granted, it's not often. But I feel very comfortable with where the Kinsey Scale places me. 

You see, I had been questioning my sexuality for a while - it was those little thoughts that bugged me. I always tried to reaffirm I was straight, until one day I decided that I'd be better off if I considered myself bisexual.

Well, let's just say I stumbled upon the Kinsey Scale and some other test things and I decided to take them. Lo and behold, I was not bisexual - that would be a three on a Kinsey Scale. No, after doing several tests I found that my spot lay between one and two: 1.38.

Now that I feel comfortable with my sexuality, I can move on to feeling comfortable about other parts of me. I'm sort of part of the LGBTQAAI+ community now, and that is kind of wonderful in of itself. When I participated in the Day of Silence, it really got me to start thinking. It was amazing to see so many people in my school trying to help bring awareness to the issue of bullying and discrimination.

Then in English class, my group decided to do a project on gay rights. Let me just show you the infographic we made:

It feels incredible to be a part of something bigger than myself, and the fact is that I feel very comfortable within it.

Which leads me to my next point.

Now that I feel comfortable with myself on the inside, I need to make sure that my outside can match. I've struggled with body image and self esteem for years, along with weight. I've never been extremely overweight, but I've definitely ventured into that zone. It's gotten to a point where I feel upset looking at myself sometimes - half of my stuff doesn't seem to fit!

Just a few weeks back, I went to Disney World for spring break. My mother swore that as soon as we got home we'd go on a diet - so it was fine if we pigged out there. And oh, I did. I mean, obviously calories were burned off when I was walking through the parks, but I ate a ton of whatever I wanted. 

Then we came home, and we didn't go on a diet.

...

Then it was time for Easter. Lots of candy, lots of fattening foods, no diet.

...

It became perfectly clear to me that my mother wasn't going to be doing anything in order to get the entire family on a diet. At that point, I decided that it was up to me to eat healthier and start exercising. I started out by doing random exercises for thirty minutes on my own while trying to eat better...but then I began using apps!

Now I have a workout app on my phone that counts burnt calories, no less, and another website which counts my overall calories. It's been very enlightening to see just how much I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, and how much I'm losing. It's only been about a week, and it seems to me that I have already lost four to six pounds.

Four to six pounds. That's insane. I'm not starving myself, but I managed to lose four to six pounds. It's because I've been eating healthier and have exercised a whole lot more. This is more than just a diet and an exercise program, this is a lifestyle change. If I can keep this going, then I thoroughly believe that come the next school year, I'll be a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Being comfortable just makes life so much easier.

- Rain