Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Rain's New Year's Eve Dilemma

Look at me. All dolled up, and no one to see!
If only I had someone to share a midnight kiss with...
Wait, what's this? A snow demon coming to make a deal with me? Shall I get the salt?
No! I'm here to give you a gift for New Year's-no souls needed. You can choose from any of your four favorite guys to share a kiss with. 

But who to choose?

Orlando Bloom, the love of my seventh grade life?
Or Ramin Karimloo, whose voice I married?
Maybe Chuggaaconroy, with his sense of humor and genuinity?
Or maybe Benedict Cumberbatch...why not?
Oh no! Time is running out!

Wait, I know! All of them at once!

Happy 2014!
I'm officially insane!
(In case you're wondering...Benny on the screen, the Pikmin represents Chuggaa, Link is our Legolas, and I'm listening to Ramin.)

But regardless, Happy New Year! This is dedicated to my boyfriend, despite him not being involved in this...no, I just snapchatted him pictures of the process. I worked for a long time on this. So enjoy it.


Sunday, December 29, 2013

A Study in Drabbles

Have you heard of drabbles?

Well, I have. I'm still not 100% sure of what they are, but I have an idea. It seems like you're supposed to write something in 100 words. As someone who is used to writing lots and lots, I figured this would be an interesting challenge.

Here are several drabbles I have attempted. Exactly 100 words, each and every one of them (not including the title, of course). There's also a gif to go along with them, so...enjoy!

A Looming Shadow
Brook clung onto her father's leg as if it were the only thing keeping her safe. She kept on repeating about how the darkness was going to get her, how she was afraid. The only logical explanation, in the Doctor's opinion, was that there were Vashta Nerada scattered in the shadows of his daughter's home. But as he began to work on helping her through this, he came to a realization. The girl was afraid of the creatures who would one day end her life. The shadows were coming for her, just not in the way she had been anticipating.
(Oh yes, that's totally a gif of a terrified little girl. But her hair is perfect. And she's got that Song Sass.)
So the first one I wrote I already had an idea for. This had been floating around in my mind for a while, and I wanted to turn it into a full one-shot...but whatever. I could imagine Brook as a young girl being afraid of the dark. Then I realized that this fear could be from Vashta Nerada. Then I remembered how Brook died. And then it all came together. Beautiful. 

The Invisible Man
Sherlock flipped the pen around in his hand as the clacking of John's laptop interrupted the perfect silence of 221B. He glanced over to his flatmate, wondering what case he was typing up this time around. But as he stared, he couldn't find the words to speak up and ask. He just continued to stare and stare, wondering what was going on. This was so very unlike him. But John didn't seem to notice him in the slightest. He couldn't blame him. But Sherlock felt as if he were invisible. The one person he wanted to see him most couldn't.
(I know this isn't in 221B or blogging or anything but you know, it's got John just not paying attention.)
Oh look, Johnlock. Ish. It's not as Johnlock as most things I've seen, but I do think it has that. It's rather melancholy. I mean, think about it. John's just sitting tip-tapping away at his blog and Sherlock just stares. He doesn't get noticed for once in his life. He's used to being the center of attention as long as he wanted to be. 

Fate of the Galadhrim
The Elf girl felt the wind whistle past her ears as she stood in the middle of the forest. Sauron was threatening darkness for the entirety of Middle-earth, even for her beloved Lothlorien. But she knew that the light of her forest could never fully be extinguished. Lady Galadriel would never allow such a thing to happen. She had overheard the conversations of the Ring and its unfathomable power, and she had hope that those carrying it to Mordor could follow through. Nevertheless, there was a sliver of doubt in her heart. Valinor was waiting for her in the west.
I guess this is inspired by the Elf girl that I have a story planned out for. Alfirineth is her name. It's just a little moment where she tries to think about what might happen in the future for her and her people. It's pretty similar to what most Elves would have been going through during the events of Lord of the Rings, I believe. 

Calm Seas
Link was sleeping again. He was known for sleeping, and even more for not being able to wake up. But he was no longer in his bed back on Outset Island. No, he was sleeping on a boat. The King of Red Lions had provided him a place to lay his head. The gentle tossing of the waves lulled him to sleep now. At first it had made him feel sick, but now it was extremely comforting. Refreshed, Link was now fully prepared for another day of adventure. The Triforce was out there, and he was going to get it.
I honestly don't know where this one came from. But it is based off of Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, in case you're wondering about that. I could just imagine little Link laying down in his boat and closing his eyes just to rest. The ocean would cradle him and rock him along as he slept. Kind of really adorable. 

Alone in her palace of ice, Elsa turned to face the wall. She had abandoned Arendelle and her sister along with it. She had never felt more free in her entire life. Yet, at the same time, she felt she might have done wrong by leaving it all behind. She shook her head, allowing her nearly snow white braid fling over her shoulder. She had left it behind for a reason, and she no longer had anything to live up to. No, she was queen of the ice and snow. Nothing else had to matter as long as she stayed. 
Frozen is amazing. So I wrote about it. I think that I can pull this off. Like she pulls off her glove. Sorry. I'm just all for puns lately. I blame Chuggaaconroy. Check out the pun involved in the title as well. But in all seriousness, I think Elsa is just amazing. I can really relate to her on a personal level in so many ways. I decided to portray some of that.

Did you enjoy...?


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Broadway Baby: My Top Ten Favorite Musicals

Anyone who knows me on Wattpad knows that I'm obsessed with musicals.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm obsessed with musicals.

But now I'm going to go a bit more in depth with this idea. Here is my top ten favorite musicals and the "awards" I would give to them if I had the chance.

(Oh, and the sarcastic remarks written in italics like this are my inner thoughts in response to what I've just written. Yep.)

10. Wicked 
Oh, who hasn't heard of Wicked? I'd compare it to a gateway drug, except for instead of a crippling addiction to a harmful substance you find yourself hooked on this little thing called musical theatre. This musical came around to me just as I was getting interested in musicals. 
Let's just say that I fell head over heels in love with it. But as I matured I found that there were musicals that I simply like more. I still hold a deep love for Wicked, it's true. Just because everyone's seen it and a lot of non-musical theatre people still enjoy it doesn't make it a bad thing. In fact, I think it proves just how much of a gem this show is.
Best Message
Almost without a doubt, I'd have to say that this is the musical I know of with the best message. It may have come from a rather adult book, but now it is something that is shown to people of all ages. It works because the message works for everyone young and old. This entire show is about learning to be yourself and friendship being one of the most powerful forces out there. 
Compared to some of the other blockbuster musicals like Grease, that's definitely something that you would want to listen to. Everyone will find a way to relate to either Elphaba or Galinda...or maybe even both! I think that's why it's got such appeal to everyone.

9. Sound of Music 
The hills are alive, it is true! Again, this is one of those musicals that everyone's seen. Of course, there's also the matter of everyone having seen it in their childhood. I associate this musical more with being the first one I performed in. I was a nun. But then I was hit by the performing bug. I owe that to this musical and its uncanny ability to draw all sorts of people in.
There's a real magic when it comes around to it, I swear. I can't listen to anything from this without feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It's the Christmas of musicals. That makes no sense, but you know what I mean...right? Yeah.
Most Nostalgic
If I were to explain my feelings for Sound of Music in a single word, it would be nostalgic. Everyone's seen it as a child. It was my first musical. It is just filled with memories and a magic for me that no other musical will ever be able to match simply because they will never be able to take that spot in my heart.
I haven't watched the actual musical for a very long time, but I was just listening to Climb Every Mountain and starting to get misty eyes. The song is moving enough on its own, so when you add in that nostalgia, it's just a mess of tears for me.

8. Guys and Dolls 
Crap shooters. I had no clue what that was until I stepped into the auditorium at a local school to watch a performance of this musical. And then I fell in love with these gamblers and their accents. Who decided that a musical about gamblers and missionaries was a good idea? I dunno, but it was a book of sorts first, so yeah. You'll notice that's a real trend. Yep. Lots of books. 
But seriously, this musical is just a big old bundle of fun. It's got several love stories all weaved together with comedy and of course, music. It's got that old-fashioned charm to it, making it the perfect thing to listen to on a weekend and just dance along. Then put on an accent and sing about mink and pearls and guys and dolls. And dice. Gambling. It's a whole 'nother world that I love.
Best Characters
This entire show is very larger than life, and it makes it oh-so-charming. Each individual character (at least in my opinion) has their own special quirks that make them really stick out.  You learn to love Nathan Detriot and his bride-to-be (for fourteen years) Adelaide. You start to ship Sky Masterson and Sarah Brown. And then of course, there's my personal favorite-Nicely Nicely Johnson. Oh my goodness, I would totally be him in a genderbend cast.
I've always wanted to be in a production of this just so I could see how these characters are interpreted by others, but since my school already did it a few years ago that doesn't look likely. Oh well. Still love it so much.

7. Les Miserables
This was one of the blockbuster winter movies of 2012. If I didn't include it in this list, people would probably think I was some sort of prententious theatre goer/hipster. The thing is, this show is damn popular and for good reason. The music is absolutely stunning, and when performed well will end up giving me goosebumps every time.
I still prefer stage performers rather than the movie version with their exaggerated emotion being carried out through the songs rather than extreme close ups, but many of the singers in the movie did rather well. Also Hadley Fraser. He was the best in the movie and you probably don't know who he is. The original musical was completely sung through-not a moment of spoken word. And I freaking love that.
But without a stunning story this could have never been. I've read Victor Hugo's book, and that just added another layer onto everything. 
Most Moving
Well, yeah. Maybe the musical titled "The Miserable" would be moving. Who would have thought? You can't watch this musical without getting at least a little teary eyed. Face it, there's got to be some part of at least some character that you connect to. When they suffer, it makes your heart pang. For me, Fantine and I Dreamed A Dream just really speaks to me.
But there's just so many tear-worthy moments in this musical. No spoilers, but the ending always makes me spin around in circles of feels. Because that's a thing that happens to people like me when I watch musicals. There never really feels to be a break in the pain and suffering...in a way.  That's a good thing.

6. Spring Awakening
For a musical with a plot I don't really care for, this is very high on my list. Well, the plot has grown on me. I've gotten to see the emotional part of it moreso than the sexual part...even though the sexual part is still a big part of it.
Well, in case it wasn't obvious by that introduction, this is probably the most innappropriate musical on this list. It's all about teenagers in Germany and a lot of it has to do with finding sexuality and getting used to it. There's all sorts of stuff with puberty and coming of age, and a lot of it is very gruff. (Or should I say Groff...like Jonathan Groff? He was in the original cast.) Okay, I'm sorry for my horrible puns.
But because of the subject matter, this can be a very thoughtprovoking show for young people. I mean, a nearby theatre group did it and of course used teenagers. Apparently they would sit down and talk about the subject matter of the show, about what it all meant. All in all, it does have a fairly good message...in a way.
Best Music
With how iffy I am on the plot, it wouldn't have made sense for this musical to make it so far on the list without having such fantastic music. Seriously, this is the kind of stuff I listen to when I'm not listening to musicals. It's my kind of music. It is my kind of music, through and through. One of my new most favorite songs has come from this musical. It's hauntingly beautiful, giving me chills every time I listen to it.
Don't just take my word for it, though. Go ahead and listen to the song I posted above.

5. Bonnie and Clyde
This was only on Broadway for four weeks. And it deserved so much more. The critics just weren't kind to this show. But the fans? The fans loved it. One of the people I know and trust on Broadway terms most (because that's a thing that I do) names this as her favorite musical. Honestly, I can see why. There's just so much atmosphere in this musical and it draws you in.
You start out with Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow from the very beginning and follow them to the very end. You'll laugh and cry, and all of it is linked together by awesome music. It's become a bit of a cult musical-there's a bootleg on YouTube and the Internet has fallen for Laura Osnes and Jeremy Jordan's interpretations of the crime committing couple. 
Catchiest Songs
Musicals get songs stuck in my head for a little while. It sticks there and then falls away. Unless, of course, the songs are from Bonnie and Clyde. I swear, there are some songs from this that play out in my head for days on end. Days! They're all amazing and when they hijack my mind I don't really mind. Made in America just makes me stomp around like an idiot because it's always playing out in my mind. And then This World Will Remember Us? I may or may not have a parody version that I made that's related to my high school musical. 

4. The Light in the Piazza 
This is what I like to call the cutest musical I know. It's also got a whole lot of heart. In essence, this is a story about growing up and learning to accept this maturing. A girl named Clara and her mother go to Italy on vacation. Clara has the mind of a twelve year old, despite being in her twenties. But soon she finds herself falling in love with an Italian boy...and this does not end up going very smoothly.
But then you get a breathtaking musical with beauty lying wherever you might glance. Oh my goodness, I fell in love with this very quickly. I had watched an old movie version of it before I realized that the musical didn't come out until the 2000's. I bought the music already knowing the plot and just fell head over heels for it. Oh my goodness. Just listen to it. 
Most Atmospheric
This is a collection of music that always makes me feel like I'm somewhere else, living out a fantasy in some other part of the world. I found it was extremely fitting to listen to as I traveled on a train from London to Paris. I listened to one song pretty much the whole time and learned the lyrics to it from there...no regrets.
But with musical interludes that make my breath catch in my throat and vocal performances that make me want to sob while listening to its beauty, I can't help but be consumed so fully and utterly every time I listen to The Light in the Piazza. I can close my eyes and imagine that I'm standing in the middle of a square with a soft sun shining down on me...or perhaps that I'm standing in the middle of a stage with a harsh light glaring down on me. I'd gladly do both, you know.

3. Phantom of the Opera 
You're not surprised this is on here. If anything, you're surprised that it isn't higher on the list. I'm making an entire novel based off of it, for crying out loud. I like to call this Beauty and the Beast but a bit more grown up and with more murder. And more opera. And more Victorian Era. They are both France, though. I think so many already know the plot of this that I'll just leave it up in the air and not really explain it.
Instead I'll just say that it's my dream to play Christine Daae. Heck, I dressed up as her for Halloween. I spent hours working on how to do her curls in my thin hair. I very nearly succeeded, too. Shame no one really got to see it. But I was still very proud of myself. Now I'm just wroking on getting that singing voice up to par. I say that as I'm known as the opera singer in my chorus class. Of eighty. 
Most Absorbing
There is not a musical out there which has managed to ensnare my mind the way Phantom of the Opera has. It's like the Phantom himself has invaded my thoughts to make me obsessed. Not only is it aesthetically beautiful-I mean, just look at the set and costumes-but the music and story is just so pleasing and amazing to me. It's not just the ALW version, either, although it's my favorite. I've seen (and heard) many different versions of Phantom, including the original book. I just can't get enough of it, and neither can many others. It's not surprising this is so very popular.

2. Sweeney Todd
Seriously. When I first heard of this, all I could think was "It's a musical about Mrs. Pott making pies out of people!" Which is true, by the way. Angela Lansbury portrayed Mrs. Lovett, who makes the worst pies in London...until she starts using human meat. But of course, the real story is about Sweeney Todd, a barber who kills his customers. The story goes much deeper than that...but that's not the point.
The music of this is nearly operatic, so a good performance of it will just send me flying. I love it so much, it's strange. I'll go around singing about my friends (silver blades, of course) and of green finches and linnet birds just because I feel like it. It's all very dark and rather Halloween-like, like a cross between Phantom of the Opera and...something Tim Burton. I suppose. Maybe even the Tim Burton movie of this very musical. Wow.
Best Plot
But Rain, you say, Sweeney Todd was a story that existed far before this musical ever came out! The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, of course! Well, yes. That is true. But it wasn't the same exact story that was put in this musical. Hugh Wheeler wrote the book for the musical and did a stunning job.
Of course, the music used to tell this story just wraps it all up and puts a big shiny bow on top. I mean, much of this story is told in song. Wow, imagine that. A musical with a story told through song. The plot went from a fairly macabre but single layered story about a killing barber to a deep story with an antihero. He had a motivation, so you found yourself halfway rooting for the murderer and his piemaker. And then sobbing madly at the end. 

1. Next to Normal
If anyone who knows me is surprised that this is number one...well, you shouldn't be. No, really, if you're surprised, you probably don't know me. What are you doing on my blog again? This musical speaks to me on a deep level. It's my spirit...musical. I already have a spirit animal. But the thing is, this is a musical I've claimed for myself. I discovered it on my own. I listened to it and watched it on my own. I fell for it all on my own. Many of these musicals were handed to me by others, but this was all my own.
It all began when "So Anyway" appeared on Pandora and I thought it sounded beautiful. I wondered if there were more songs from the musical that sounded like that. I looked up information on it to find out it was about bipolar disorder and became more interested. But then I listened to the music...and it was not the string quartet magic that I had heard before.
Yes, that's right. I nearly gave up on this musical. But let me continue. I later decided to watch a bootleg of it. Then I downloaded all the music. Now understanding everything fully, I began to develop a taste for it. And then suddenly it was my everything.
You see, the plot is extremely heartwrenching...and also very, very human. You'll find a way to relate to a character (or all of them-there's only like seven characters) and it will burn. It will burn deeply. It's an entire musical based around a woman with a severe mental disorder. She's going mad, and there's nothing she can do about it.
I can't do the plot of this musical justice. Maybe the music will just have to speak for itself. Or sing. It is a musical. It can sing for itself. 
Best Lyrics
I know what you're thinking. Really? The number one musical gets best lyrics, Rain? Not something like best music, or best story, or best performance, or most moving, or anything like that? Best lyrics? Well, yes. Best lyrics. Because oh my goodness-these are some of the best written lyrics I have ever heard. I swear, just read some of these.
Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.
It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.
You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.
Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.
If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.
Or maybe this will float your boat.
When you walk into the room and they just stop the conversation,
When there's no room for your Clearasil with all the medication.
When your house has much more nudity, profanity, and crudity,
Then any crap you'd ever seen on cable
You're growing up unstable.
Perhaps something like this.
Admit what you've lost 
And live with the cost... 
At times it does hurt to be healed. 
I mean, if I posted all of the lyrics that I loved then you'd end up getting the entire musical. It's just that amazing. Oh, let me add in one more: You wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure. I mean, really. 

And now for my runner up musicals, the ones that I love immensely but just didn't make it on this list for whatever reason: Little Shop of Horrors, The Music Man, Into the Woods, RENT, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Singin' In The Rain, A Little Night Music, The Book of Mormon

Don't forget there are plenty, and I mean plenty, of musicals that I love dearly that aren't even mentioned here. With how many musicals I've seen, it's hard not to hold at least some type of reverence for each and every one.

And now there's a new musical which has consumed me. But it's not on this list yet because I haven't watched it. Don't mind me.


Put On A Show

There's the sound of malicious laughter echoing through my mind, and it is a sound that would come straight from my lips. It is perched on my tongue like a bird on a twig, just waiting to be let out. But I refuse to make a sound right now. Instead, I'd much rather smile and put on a show for everyone.

I'm supposed to be sobbing right now. I can feel it. I know that I'm meant to be going mad and flipping chairs and writing soliloquys in my own point of view. But instead, I don't. I smile, and I let out a laugh. I'm not trying to cover anything up at this point.

This is just how I've been made to be.

I've shed far too many tears already. All that I've found is that it rips everything from my heart and leaves me empty and puking tears. It makes it impossible to sleep and focus. I let it out in bouts of fury and then sobs. I'd press a pillow to my face as I attempted to scream it all out. But not any more.

You'd think I would have learned from writing characters who suppress their emotions to avoid pain. I've written thousands of words on how this is a terrible idea. Over and over again, I stressed that this lack of emotion was a major flaw and did more harm than help.

Well, yes. But I'm not holding back the pain. There is nothing more to be felt. I am spent on this madness. Perhaps I have finally just cracked. There's nowhere left for me to turn, so I cracked myself and put on a smile. 

Don't feel. I kept on thinking that when I gave myself a new theme song that a certain bit of lyrics wouldn't apply to me. But now it is me. Perhaps I have become the song. Perhaps the song has become me. I've let it go and for goodness sake, I'm not going back. I am free. Free from all of these restraints that were keeping me down.

I'm being the good girl that I always have to be. There is only way I can manage being sane any more.


It's called being insane. 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Concerning Susan Foreman, Criticism, and the Events of December 19th

I feel like this is my only way to reach out to society. If society was my Internet friends. Which it's not. But regardless...it's how I'm going to speak for today. I'm getting my thoughts and ideas out here simply because I can.

Like my mind, expect this to be a complete mishmash of whatever comes into my head that I find important enough to share. I do this all the time...it's just that no one ever seems to notice. Because apparently I am insane. I must say, I agree.

Perhaps the wonders of Grease rehearsals will amaze you. No? Well, let me just say, the guy who's playing Danny also played Melchior in Spring Awakening nearby. I realize there's only one person I know who will get that and appreciate it...but I try. I do. His voice is beautiful, really beautiful. Kind of like the gif below this.

Which reminds me. If you haven't seen Desolation of Smaug, you're wrong. Go. Go now. I don't care. It's freaking amazing. Smaug is absolutely fabulous, and it isn't just because Benedict Cumberbatch is playing him (motion capture, don't forget!). In fact, one of the most stunning things about the great dragon was despite me knowing exactly who was bringing him to life, I didn't think of Benny slithering around on the ground or speaking in a mic. I only saw a terrifying dragon that made my eyes pop out. 

Yes, I saw this movie Sunday and am only now saying anything. I've just been a little...preoccupied.

As for my emotions, they've been all over the place. Luckily I'm getting to find myself a new anthem and move along with it. Let's just say that it features a certain character who I want to cosplay. And is performed by a major musical theatre actress. 

Ah, what the Hell? Why don't I just go ahead and post some of the loveliness that I'm talking about right here? This is going to be my new theme song, because it's just how I'm going to go. I like other songs in the movie better, but whatever. This is great.
There are two pieces of very special technology we always associate with the Doctor. One's already gotten to be in a humanoid form, and the other hasn't...yet.

Like the aforementioned The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, Frozen is a glorious movie that everyone must see. You'll really be missing out on something fantastic if you don't go ahead and see it. I mean, I connect to Elsa on so many levels that it's not even funny. Being an older sister is just one of them, and now that I have taken her anthem as my own...well, you know. 

Sorry for all the gifs. Not sorry at all, actually.

But this morning was all about me trying to learn more about myself and all the emotional crap that's been plaguing me recently. I know for a fact that my reaction to everything was blown way out of proportion, but this sort of thing has been happening to me for years now. I really do doubt my sanity sometimes. 

If there's one good thing that comes out of me having all these massive emotions piled on top of me, it's the epiphanies that come out of it. I feel like a freaking philosopher half the time when I get into these states. I've been having all of these realizations about life that haven't really been positive, but are still enlightening. There's also some frightening things that have come out of this...but for sanity's sake, I'm going to keep those to myself.

Luckily I have friends at school who are more than willing to help me through this time. I've been showing aspects of my online conflicts to them, and I've got to say...it's been really eye opening to see this through other people's eyes. However, there are also a lot of things that I disagree with. But when you're not too busy being furious at yourself for being an idiot, you start to realize things...and these people who don't know any of the backstory seem to share my thoughts. 

I'm trying to keep my opinion to myself, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Keeping emotions back always backfires...I wrote a story that had a large focus on this. So why am I relying on this? Who knows? I think we all have things to learn. Excuses aren't really what we need. We need to learn how to apologize sincerely and fully, all of us. 

I think Hank Green's video is a good place to start out. It's actually insanely eyeopening...I'm afraid I've been a fartbag time and time again. But the thing is, I'm going to go and learn from that and understand what this video is trying to tell me. 

For one of those personal realizations that I stumbled across...well, it's simple. And it's all to do with critcism. There's lots of instances where I can very easily take criticism and benefit from it like any normal person would. I know it doesn't seem that way to you Internet peeps, but hear me out.

I can take suggestions on how to improve in subjects like math and science. I've thrived off of criticism from singing in recent days.

But when it comes to other things, I completely break down and end up going kind of ballistic. Of course, I would think the number one example of this is my writing. I just can't seem to take anything, no matter how constructive it is.

Well, my hopefully-still-pluviophiles, I think I know what's going on. I can take criticism on things where I already feel secure and good at. I know my ability. I don't need reassurance that I'm doing anything right. I mean, let's think about this. I currently have a 100.44 in math (indeed, that is my grade) and a 99 in biology. I've been asked to go to a special chorus clinic for some of the best in the class only. I got into the musical and have gotten solos and other things. 

In other words, I am very sure of my abilities in these subjects. Criticism rolls in and I can just pick it up and make myself better. There's absolutely no fuss about it anymore.

So, what does this have to with writing? Well, in case you haven't figured it out, I don't feel confident in my writing. I never do. I always question if this plot point is smart, if that character trait is overused and Mary Sue-ish, if I'm writing complete crap or if it's actually any good. The fact of the matter is, I can't tell. Until I've convinced myself that I'm a good writer, I won't be able to take criticism very well on it. That's just how it's going to be.

It's possible I can grow past this. I've done it before. There was one point where I was just beginning to bud out as more of a solo singer and improve myself individually rather than just being part of a chorus. I had been doing a master class. On the way home, my mother noted that I hadn't been making the right facial expressions.

I. Freaking. Exploded. 
(I had already used the only other gif that might work here so yeah)
No, seriously. The little singing girl that you knew now just lost it. I started sobbing, I was so upset. I was still building myself up at that point in time. My mom insisted that it was constructive criticism, but I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the gut. I was furious about everything, and mostly furious about myself. In order to get my tension out, I bit my Nintendo DSi. Yes. And there's still a dark mark on the screen where I did it.

Afterwards I forced myself to do better facial expressions when I was singing. In the end, the constructive criticism had ended up improving me. But the path getting there was the opposite of ideal. Now I can't help but feel like if anyone ever points this out again, I will just implode.

There's also the point of driving-my driving instructor made me feel like an idiot the entire time. Honestly, I got teary eyed at every bit of criticism thrown towards me for a week after I was done with driver's ed. I hate the car now. I don't want to get involved with it.

This is why criticism is dangerous for me. I don't want to do things if I feel like I'm going to get criticised and then end up having a fit over it. I clam up and turn away from things. I haven't rage quit from many things at this point in my life, but I've considered it time and time again for many things. I'm just so frustrated over these things.

And let me tell you, I never forget. If I feel stupid or wrong or guilty, it will stick in my mind for the rest of my life. The emotions stick too. I just want to make that clear.

(This was the only gif that felt as if it could work for the transition)
Now, on a far happier note. Or many notes. A far happier melody.

I've been watching Classic Doctor Who. I haven't gotten very far (I mean, seriously, just got to the very very very first appearance of the Daleks) but I'm so very in love with it. Despite me not watching most of it to begin with, it's very nostalgic. In a single word, I'd have to describe it as charming. It's a very different show from what we know from RTD and Moffat, but it's still absolutely lovely. Also, the girls scream. A lot. It's realistic in that way.

Of course, this early era of Doctor Who features one of my favorite companions-Susan Foreman. I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy for naming her one of my favorite companions before seeing more than An Unearthly Child and a clip of her leaving. That was all I had seen of her, yes. But due to a certain plot device I used in a fanfiction, I made sure to do lots and lots of research on her. Now I just get to love her even more.

My writing has been kind of lacking lately, but my ideas are not. I've got almost all of my story The Intel Revival cast. I've got some interesting ideas for it. For instance, biology has inspired me to put in something related to circadian rhythm. Sounds a bit boring, I know, but I think it's pretty darn cool. Also, I have got some fanfiction ideas. Like those below.

Writing contests are hard, and planning for them is often an issue for me. Luckily, however, I have an idea for a oneshot. I'm just not sure it'll end up being Christmas-y enough, which is the main challenge. I think it's going to be a matter of me sticking mistletoe in any crack in the wall and pushing the whole idea towards Christmas.

What's my idea, you may or may not ask? Well, I'm not telling you. Spoilers, sweetie. But I can tell you this much: it's Doctor Who, features my OTP, and this lovely lady below will be featured as well. 

Yes, I am fully aware that she has been on Doctor Who before. She was Cheen in Gridlock, I know. She won't be that same character here. But if any show is good at taking actors from the past and placing them in new roles in the present it's Doctor Who.

I've hidden a clue to who this lady is going to be in this post. If you find it, send me a PM on Wattpad on Polyvore. I assume that's where you've come from, anyways. Just remember to let it go, everyone.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

An Incomplete But Honest Truth

To my friends on Wattpad who are reading this: I am taking a break from Wattpad just to attempt to piece at least the edges of my life back together. I'll be gone until either Friday night or Saturday morning. There won't be any posting of new stories until then, because I know I'll get distracted. I'm sorry this is how this all had to turn out, but oh well. I'm trying to do what's best for me and not for anyone else, because right now I just have to be selfish. Sorry.

Carry on with this if you so choose. It's all honest. It's all true. It's just not everything.

I haven't hated myself and my life in general this much in what feels like forever. It's all me, I realize that much. But oh my goodness gracious, I think I'm going mad. Half the day I spend with my back up straight, all perfect posture and poise. I look confident...and happy. Then the other half of the day I spend weeping like a child.

Yesterday my little sister became a teenager. She's now thirteen years old, and it was supposed to be her special day. Thank goodness a series of events caused us to be apart for most of the day, otherwise I would have almost definitely ruined it for her. There was one point where I brought her in to talk for a moment. I tried to explain my side of the situation to her, and she agreed. It was all going well until my anger all crumbled into tears.

I broke down into tears in front of my sister. It was practically an instantaneous change. She did nothing for a moment, and then walked away to let me be alone. All of this is on her birthday, her bloody thirteenth birthday. Sometimes I think she's honestly the only one in the world who actually knows what to do in that situation. Don't stand there and try to ask me what's wrong. If I'm sobbing like an idiot, I probably want to be left alone.

The thing is, I always read things incorrectly. I always see things incorrectly. When I misinterpret things, I get upset. I guess I don't do a very good job of displaying this, but still. I feel like a smart person. I have been told ever since just about taught myself to read before kindergarten that I was very smart. That's why whenever I feel stupid or like I'm being treated as if I was, it sticks out to me.

There are some words that will just trigger my reaction to thinking I'm being called out as an imbecile: ignorant, silly (yes, silly), stupid, dumb, get over it, wrong, young, child, learn, teen, easy, grow up.

Let me put this into words for you.

"Stop being so silly and ignorant. It's kind of childlike to think that you're still acting like this. You're a young teen, and you need to grow up. You have life easy right now, and it's dumb to think that this is the worst part of your life. I'm just saying that you need to get over it and stop any stupidity that you have right now."

I'm not saying this has been said to me, but this sort of thing seems like it's being thrown at me all the time. Perhaps I'm just completely delusional. With some of the thoughts that have been going on through my head lately, maybe I am. I swear, you'd probably send me off to the psych ward if you knew what I was thinking about last night.

I'm a very sensitive girl and I always have been. I've tried to work on my emotions and for a while it was going well. But the thing is, there's just some things I can't take. It's become completely obvious to me that many things that I believed are not what others believe, and when misconceptions creep around the corner it just ends up as a mess.

I understand that life is only going to get harder from here on out. I just had an epiphany the other day about life and it's left me feeling out of breath ever since. I am never going to get a break, I get that. But the thing is, I feel like I'm getting whipped right now for something that won't fully affect me until the future.

Everyone keeps telling me that things are only going downhill in terms of stress and socializing and everything....so what am I supposed to do? I'm already in a Hellish state, so where else can I possibly fall? It's all emotions, and very little of what I can do to fix this is in my control. I finish my work as well and as quickly as possibly. I try to get sleep. You know what?

It doesn't work. It does not work for me.

You know, it's kind of funny. I have some people at my school who call me perfect-it's a sort of joke that I have with them. It's all jest, but the thing is that they actually see me as this great figure. But how does any perfect girl go home just to cry into a pillow and write blog posts like this?

I use reaction gifs to describe how I feel. And this is pretty much me right now. 

And this is actually me now. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I just don't think it will ever leave.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

Let's Get Creative!

So recently I haven't posted much of anything on this blog. Apologize about that. I have a really big and complicated post coming up that just hasn't been finished yet. That, and every time I go online I always seem to have ideas for random photo edits. Creativity is a strange friend. So here's what I've made recently...

I made this for a Supernatural oneshot I was writing. Since the angel girl was going to have clipped wings, I was considering making that the theme and title-Clipped Wings.  The artwork for her wings is an illustration of a bird's clipped wings. Eventually I scrapped this overall idea but the picture remains...not too bad. My clipping skills of her were pretty good.

And thus the fun with layer masks begins. I found this screencap and just started fiddling around. I made it so that while the rest of the world faded away into blurriness, my OTP was crystal clear. The picture was already so pretty that it wasn't that much of a deal to make it look good. Then I added in some lyrics-"I would sail across the world for just the color of your eyes." From the Light in the Piazza. Yep.

As the fun with layer masks continued, I taught myself how to make text out of photos. No tutorials or help, I figured out this technique all by myself. Golly gee, it is actually extremely easy. I'm surprised I didn't figure it out sooner. And yes, that is River underwater. And yes, I know she didn't say those lines there. And yes, that is a PNG. Any more questions?

Here's the most recent one...and it looks like a book cover. And it is kind of book cover. No reason for that. Ahem. But this one features layer masks as well. The hat tilt shift effect? Layer masks. That was so simple to do and yet so effective. A nice yellowish layer over everything. And then the name "I.M. Foreman" is made out of regenerative energy. Not ltierally, of course. But I did layer mask the Eccelston-Tennant regeneration to create that.

So, erm...I have so many ideas for a certain character and his wife. And I don't know what to do with them. This is why we should all agree to never be creative again.
-Rain/Pluvio/Broadway/Boardway/Perfect/Imperfect/Predictable/Author/I'm making half of these up myself