Thursday, December 19, 2013

Concerning Susan Foreman, Criticism, and the Events of December 19th

I feel like this is my only way to reach out to society. If society was my Internet friends. Which it's not. But's how I'm going to speak for today. I'm getting my thoughts and ideas out here simply because I can.

Like my mind, expect this to be a complete mishmash of whatever comes into my head that I find important enough to share. I do this all the's just that no one ever seems to notice. Because apparently I am insane. I must say, I agree.

Perhaps the wonders of Grease rehearsals will amaze you. No? Well, let me just say, the guy who's playing Danny also played Melchior in Spring Awakening nearby. I realize there's only one person I know who will get that and appreciate it...but I try. I do. His voice is beautiful, really beautiful. Kind of like the gif below this.

Which reminds me. If you haven't seen Desolation of Smaug, you're wrong. Go. Go now. I don't care. It's freaking amazing. Smaug is absolutely fabulous, and it isn't just because Benedict Cumberbatch is playing him (motion capture, don't forget!). In fact, one of the most stunning things about the great dragon was despite me knowing exactly who was bringing him to life, I didn't think of Benny slithering around on the ground or speaking in a mic. I only saw a terrifying dragon that made my eyes pop out. 

Yes, I saw this movie Sunday and am only now saying anything. I've just been a little...preoccupied.

As for my emotions, they've been all over the place. Luckily I'm getting to find myself a new anthem and move along with it. Let's just say that it features a certain character who I want to cosplay. And is performed by a major musical theatre actress. 

Ah, what the Hell? Why don't I just go ahead and post some of the loveliness that I'm talking about right here? This is going to be my new theme song, because it's just how I'm going to go. I like other songs in the movie better, but whatever. This is great.
There are two pieces of very special technology we always associate with the Doctor. One's already gotten to be in a humanoid form, and the other hasn't...yet.

Like the aforementioned The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, Frozen is a glorious movie that everyone must see. You'll really be missing out on something fantastic if you don't go ahead and see it. I mean, I connect to Elsa on so many levels that it's not even funny. Being an older sister is just one of them, and now that I have taken her anthem as my own...well, you know. 

Sorry for all the gifs. Not sorry at all, actually.

But this morning was all about me trying to learn more about myself and all the emotional crap that's been plaguing me recently. I know for a fact that my reaction to everything was blown way out of proportion, but this sort of thing has been happening to me for years now. I really do doubt my sanity sometimes. 

If there's one good thing that comes out of me having all these massive emotions piled on top of me, it's the epiphanies that come out of it. I feel like a freaking philosopher half the time when I get into these states. I've been having all of these realizations about life that haven't really been positive, but are still enlightening. There's also some frightening things that have come out of this...but for sanity's sake, I'm going to keep those to myself.

Luckily I have friends at school who are more than willing to help me through this time. I've been showing aspects of my online conflicts to them, and I've got to's been really eye opening to see this through other people's eyes. However, there are also a lot of things that I disagree with. But when you're not too busy being furious at yourself for being an idiot, you start to realize things...and these people who don't know any of the backstory seem to share my thoughts. 

I'm trying to keep my opinion to myself, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Keeping emotions back always backfires...I wrote a story that had a large focus on this. So why am I relying on this? Who knows? I think we all have things to learn. Excuses aren't really what we need. We need to learn how to apologize sincerely and fully, all of us. 

I think Hank Green's video is a good place to start out. It's actually insanely eyeopening...I'm afraid I've been a fartbag time and time again. But the thing is, I'm going to go and learn from that and understand what this video is trying to tell me. 

For one of those personal realizations that I stumbled across...well, it's simple. And it's all to do with critcism. There's lots of instances where I can very easily take criticism and benefit from it like any normal person would. I know it doesn't seem that way to you Internet peeps, but hear me out.

I can take suggestions on how to improve in subjects like math and science. I've thrived off of criticism from singing in recent days.

But when it comes to other things, I completely break down and end up going kind of ballistic. Of course, I would think the number one example of this is my writing. I just can't seem to take anything, no matter how constructive it is.

Well, my hopefully-still-pluviophiles, I think I know what's going on. I can take criticism on things where I already feel secure and good at. I know my ability. I don't need reassurance that I'm doing anything right. I mean, let's think about this. I currently have a 100.44 in math (indeed, that is my grade) and a 99 in biology. I've been asked to go to a special chorus clinic for some of the best in the class only. I got into the musical and have gotten solos and other things. 

In other words, I am very sure of my abilities in these subjects. Criticism rolls in and I can just pick it up and make myself better. There's absolutely no fuss about it anymore.

So, what does this have to with writing? Well, in case you haven't figured it out, I don't feel confident in my writing. I never do. I always question if this plot point is smart, if that character trait is overused and Mary Sue-ish, if I'm writing complete crap or if it's actually any good. The fact of the matter is, I can't tell. Until I've convinced myself that I'm a good writer, I won't be able to take criticism very well on it. That's just how it's going to be.

It's possible I can grow past this. I've done it before. There was one point where I was just beginning to bud out as more of a solo singer and improve myself individually rather than just being part of a chorus. I had been doing a master class. On the way home, my mother noted that I hadn't been making the right facial expressions.

I. Freaking. Exploded. 
(I had already used the only other gif that might work here so yeah)
No, seriously. The little singing girl that you knew now just lost it. I started sobbing, I was so upset. I was still building myself up at that point in time. My mom insisted that it was constructive criticism, but I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the gut. I was furious about everything, and mostly furious about myself. In order to get my tension out, I bit my Nintendo DSi. Yes. And there's still a dark mark on the screen where I did it.

Afterwards I forced myself to do better facial expressions when I was singing. In the end, the constructive criticism had ended up improving me. But the path getting there was the opposite of ideal. Now I can't help but feel like if anyone ever points this out again, I will just implode.

There's also the point of driving-my driving instructor made me feel like an idiot the entire time. Honestly, I got teary eyed at every bit of criticism thrown towards me for a week after I was done with driver's ed. I hate the car now. I don't want to get involved with it.

This is why criticism is dangerous for me. I don't want to do things if I feel like I'm going to get criticised and then end up having a fit over it. I clam up and turn away from things. I haven't rage quit from many things at this point in my life, but I've considered it time and time again for many things. I'm just so frustrated over these things.

And let me tell you, I never forget. If I feel stupid or wrong or guilty, it will stick in my mind for the rest of my life. The emotions stick too. I just want to make that clear.

(This was the only gif that felt as if it could work for the transition)
Now, on a far happier note. Or many notes. A far happier melody.

I've been watching Classic Doctor Who. I haven't gotten very far (I mean, seriously, just got to the very very very first appearance of the Daleks) but I'm so very in love with it. Despite me not watching most of it to begin with, it's very nostalgic. In a single word, I'd have to describe it as charming. It's a very different show from what we know from RTD and Moffat, but it's still absolutely lovely. Also, the girls scream. A lot. It's realistic in that way.

Of course, this early era of Doctor Who features one of my favorite companions-Susan Foreman. I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy for naming her one of my favorite companions before seeing more than An Unearthly Child and a clip of her leaving. That was all I had seen of her, yes. But due to a certain plot device I used in a fanfiction, I made sure to do lots and lots of research on her. Now I just get to love her even more.

My writing has been kind of lacking lately, but my ideas are not. I've got almost all of my story The Intel Revival cast. I've got some interesting ideas for it. For instance, biology has inspired me to put in something related to circadian rhythm. Sounds a bit boring, I know, but I think it's pretty darn cool. Also, I have got some fanfiction ideas. Like those below.

Writing contests are hard, and planning for them is often an issue for me. Luckily, however, I have an idea for a oneshot. I'm just not sure it'll end up being Christmas-y enough, which is the main challenge. I think it's going to be a matter of me sticking mistletoe in any crack in the wall and pushing the whole idea towards Christmas.

What's my idea, you may or may not ask? Well, I'm not telling you. Spoilers, sweetie. But I can tell you this much: it's Doctor Who, features my OTP, and this lovely lady below will be featured as well. 

Yes, I am fully aware that she has been on Doctor Who before. She was Cheen in Gridlock, I know. She won't be that same character here. But if any show is good at taking actors from the past and placing them in new roles in the present it's Doctor Who.

I've hidden a clue to who this lady is going to be in this post. If you find it, send me a PM on Wattpad on Polyvore. I assume that's where you've come from, anyways. Just remember to let it go, everyone.


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