Saturday, December 21, 2013

Put On A Show

There's the sound of malicious laughter echoing through my mind, and it is a sound that would come straight from my lips. It is perched on my tongue like a bird on a twig, just waiting to be let out. But I refuse to make a sound right now. Instead, I'd much rather smile and put on a show for everyone.

I'm supposed to be sobbing right now. I can feel it. I know that I'm meant to be going mad and flipping chairs and writing soliloquys in my own point of view. But instead, I don't. I smile, and I let out a laugh. I'm not trying to cover anything up at this point.

This is just how I've been made to be.

I've shed far too many tears already. All that I've found is that it rips everything from my heart and leaves me empty and puking tears. It makes it impossible to sleep and focus. I let it out in bouts of fury and then sobs. I'd press a pillow to my face as I attempted to scream it all out. But not any more.

You'd think I would have learned from writing characters who suppress their emotions to avoid pain. I've written thousands of words on how this is a terrible idea. Over and over again, I stressed that this lack of emotion was a major flaw and did more harm than help.

Well, yes. But I'm not holding back the pain. There is nothing more to be felt. I am spent on this madness. Perhaps I have finally just cracked. There's nowhere left for me to turn, so I cracked myself and put on a smile. 

Don't feel. I kept on thinking that when I gave myself a new theme song that a certain bit of lyrics wouldn't apply to me. But now it is me. Perhaps I have become the song. Perhaps the song has become me. I've let it go and for goodness sake, I'm not going back. I am free. Free from all of these restraints that were keeping me down.

I'm being the good girl that I always have to be. There is only way I can manage being sane any more.


It's called being insane. 

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