Wednesday, December 18, 2013

An Incomplete But Honest Truth

To my friends on Wattpad who are reading this: I am taking a break from Wattpad just to attempt to piece at least the edges of my life back together. I'll be gone until either Friday night or Saturday morning. There won't be any posting of new stories until then, because I know I'll get distracted. I'm sorry this is how this all had to turn out, but oh well. I'm trying to do what's best for me and not for anyone else, because right now I just have to be selfish. Sorry.

Carry on with this if you so choose. It's all honest. It's all true. It's just not everything.

I haven't hated myself and my life in general this much in what feels like forever. It's all me, I realize that much. But oh my goodness gracious, I think I'm going mad. Half the day I spend with my back up straight, all perfect posture and poise. I look confident...and happy. Then the other half of the day I spend weeping like a child.

Yesterday my little sister became a teenager. She's now thirteen years old, and it was supposed to be her special day. Thank goodness a series of events caused us to be apart for most of the day, otherwise I would have almost definitely ruined it for her. There was one point where I brought her in to talk for a moment. I tried to explain my side of the situation to her, and she agreed. It was all going well until my anger all crumbled into tears.

I broke down into tears in front of my sister. It was practically an instantaneous change. She did nothing for a moment, and then walked away to let me be alone. All of this is on her birthday, her bloody thirteenth birthday. Sometimes I think she's honestly the only one in the world who actually knows what to do in that situation. Don't stand there and try to ask me what's wrong. If I'm sobbing like an idiot, I probably want to be left alone.

The thing is, I always read things incorrectly. I always see things incorrectly. When I misinterpret things, I get upset. I guess I don't do a very good job of displaying this, but still. I feel like a smart person. I have been told ever since just about taught myself to read before kindergarten that I was very smart. That's why whenever I feel stupid or like I'm being treated as if I was, it sticks out to me.

There are some words that will just trigger my reaction to thinking I'm being called out as an imbecile: ignorant, silly (yes, silly), stupid, dumb, get over it, wrong, young, child, learn, teen, easy, grow up.

Let me put this into words for you.

"Stop being so silly and ignorant. It's kind of childlike to think that you're still acting like this. You're a young teen, and you need to grow up. You have life easy right now, and it's dumb to think that this is the worst part of your life. I'm just saying that you need to get over it and stop any stupidity that you have right now."

I'm not saying this has been said to me, but this sort of thing seems like it's being thrown at me all the time. Perhaps I'm just completely delusional. With some of the thoughts that have been going on through my head lately, maybe I am. I swear, you'd probably send me off to the psych ward if you knew what I was thinking about last night.

I'm a very sensitive girl and I always have been. I've tried to work on my emotions and for a while it was going well. But the thing is, there's just some things I can't take. It's become completely obvious to me that many things that I believed are not what others believe, and when misconceptions creep around the corner it just ends up as a mess.

I understand that life is only going to get harder from here on out. I just had an epiphany the other day about life and it's left me feeling out of breath ever since. I am never going to get a break, I get that. But the thing is, I feel like I'm getting whipped right now for something that won't fully affect me until the future.

Everyone keeps telling me that things are only going downhill in terms of stress and socializing and what am I supposed to do? I'm already in a Hellish state, so where else can I possibly fall? It's all emotions, and very little of what I can do to fix this is in my control. I finish my work as well and as quickly as possibly. I try to get sleep. You know what?

It doesn't work. It does not work for me.

You know, it's kind of funny. I have some people at my school who call me perfect-it's a sort of joke that I have with them. It's all jest, but the thing is that they actually see me as this great figure. But how does any perfect girl go home just to cry into a pillow and write blog posts like this?

I use reaction gifs to describe how I feel. And this is pretty much me right now. 

And this is actually me now. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I just don't think it will ever leave.



  1. You just need to stop and take a moment, Rain. You're a wonderful girl, but you just don't listen. You think the world is against you, but its not. You just need to stop for a second sometimes and accept that you are young, but not in the terms of your age, but just in the place of where you as a whole. People have gone through a lot more worse things than you have, but I swear, if you ever give up then what the hell are you going to do to prove to people that you are stronger than what they give you credit for.

    People praise you, yes, but sometimes you just have to wrench your head out of your rear and come back to reality. Trust me, I've been told things to my face that have made me feel like the shittiest human alive, but I think of things and I think of where I am. I'm nearly 20, I'm still living with my parents, I barely have an education behind me and I have a really concerned mother over my weight and nine times out of ten, I'm uber depressed.

    You are a smart girl. You are at school and you are doing all that you can, but you listen to the wrong people. You let things bug you that you shouldn't and you really need to break out of that shell. There's a whole world out there for you to explore, but hiding away and bottling things up inside will never help.

    At the same time, you need to act like you're on the level of other people as well. Being smart isn't the same as being friendly/social. You need to understand that wha some people say isn't to hurt you and you shouldn't take it offensively as you do. I am only trying to help you wiht your writing and I understand that you've been having a really shitty time lately, but you have friends.

    I like to consider myself one of them. You've helped me so much, whether you believe that or not, but sometimes you need to take a spoonful of your own medicine and listen to your own advice. Life isn't easy, it's not like it was when I was younger and things were a lot more easier, but it's not going to get any better unless YOU make it better.

    First thing to do though, would just be to listen. Open up and stop acting like the world is against you when it's only trying to help. Life's a bitch, it'll throw you lemos and if you like lemonade, make it and smile. You've got a lot going on in life and a lot of support, but one day, you'll grow up into your 20's and you'll have to stand on your own two feet and take all the shit the world is throwing at you.

    But to make it better, you have to become a ninja too. It helps, it helps talking about things, but it also helps to let your defences down once in a while and let people in to help you. You know how mad I get wiht you when you say something as stupid as you suggested in the comments, but to me, it feels like you don't talk with your family. You should try that. Just pull them to the side and say that you need them. Five minutes of their time because you are their daughter.

    Pretending everything is okay until it's not doesn't help. Now, please, Rain, just calm down, take a breather and know that I am here for you with every kick up the arse I will be giving you to make you realise that I am your friend and I care about you a lot more than I should because I don't know you in person, but I know you in words and I know you through Wattpad and I know that you are a wonderful writer who just needs to drop her walls every now and then.

    Come home soon, alright?

    Because I ain't giving up on you, so don't you dare give up on us.


  2. *huggles* Whatever you are going through, I really hope t gets better. I can't do anything for you at the moment, since I'm just on the internet. But hang in there, Rain.