Carry on with this if you so choose. It's all honest. It's all true. It's just not everything.
I haven't hated myself and my life in general this much in what feels like forever. It's all me, I realize that much. But oh my goodness gracious, I think I'm going mad. Half the day I spend with my back up straight, all perfect posture and poise. I look confident...and happy. Then the other half of the day I spend weeping like a child.
Yesterday my little sister became a teenager. She's now thirteen years old, and it was supposed to be her special day. Thank goodness a series of events caused us to be apart for most of the day, otherwise I would have almost definitely ruined it for her. There was one point where I brought her in to talk for a moment. I tried to explain my side of the situation to her, and she agreed. It was all going well until my anger all crumbled into tears.
I broke down into tears in front of my sister. It was practically an instantaneous change. She did nothing for a moment, and then walked away to let me be alone. All of this is on her birthday, her bloody thirteenth birthday. Sometimes I think she's honestly the only one in the world who actually knows what to do in that situation. Don't stand there and try to ask me what's wrong. If I'm sobbing like an idiot, I probably want to be left alone.
The thing is, I always read things incorrectly. I always see things incorrectly. When I misinterpret things, I get upset. I guess I don't do a very good job of displaying this, but still. I feel like a smart person. I have been told ever since just about taught myself to read before kindergarten that I was very smart. That's why whenever I feel stupid or like I'm being treated as if I was, it sticks out to me.
There are some words that will just trigger my reaction to thinking I'm being called out as an imbecile: ignorant, silly (yes, silly), stupid, dumb, get over it, wrong, young, child, learn, teen, easy, grow up.
Let me put this into words for you.
"Stop being so silly and ignorant. It's kind of childlike to think that you're still acting like this. You're a young teen, and you need to grow up. You have life easy right now, and it's dumb to think that this is the worst part of your life. I'm just saying that you need to get over it and stop any stupidity that you have right now."
I'm not saying this has been said to me, but this sort of thing seems like it's being thrown at me all the time. Perhaps I'm just completely delusional. With some of the thoughts that have been going on through my head lately, maybe I am. I swear, you'd probably send me off to the psych ward if you knew what I was thinking about last night.
I'm a very sensitive girl and I always have been. I've tried to work on my emotions and for a while it was going well. But the thing is, there's just some things I can't take. It's become completely obvious to me that many things that I believed are not what others believe, and when misconceptions creep around the corner it just ends up as a mess.
I understand that life is only going to get harder from here on out. I just had an epiphany the other day about life and it's left me feeling out of breath ever since. I am never going to get a break, I get that. But the thing is, I feel like I'm getting whipped right now for something that won't fully affect me until the future.
Everyone keeps telling me that things are only going downhill in terms of stress and socializing and everything....so what am I supposed to do? I'm already in a Hellish state, so where else can I possibly fall? It's all emotions, and very little of what I can do to fix this is in my control. I finish my work as well and as quickly as possibly. I try to get sleep. You know what?
It doesn't work. It does not work for me.
You know, it's kind of funny. I have some people at my school who call me perfect-it's a sort of joke that I have with them. It's all jest, but the thing is that they actually see me as this great figure. But how does any perfect girl go home just to cry into a pillow and write blog posts like this?
I use reaction gifs to describe how I feel. And this is pretty much me right now.
And this is actually me now. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I just don't think it will ever leave.